I hate that I miss you

I miss the way our bodies fit
When we would fall asleep
I miss the way you’d spend the night
When you said you had to leave
I miss how you fought me when I asked
But obliged me every time
How you made fun of all my quirks
But locked them in your mind
I miss the shape of your mouth
How it felt all over me
All the words it never said
I needed to hear so desperately
But all the things you shared with me
Those secrets that were deep
Even though you broke my heart
They’re secrets I will keep
I hate that you were the best I ever had
And I’ve got nothing left to show
I hate that you’re the worst I ever had
And I had to let you go

I hate that I miss you

I hate that when I’m home alone
You still live inside my head
I hate that when I hear that song
It makes me wish that I were dead
I thought that you were someone else
Someone better than you are
I hate that I’m reminded
Every time I see that scar
I hate that you couldn’t love me
And that you didn’t stay
And I hate that I couldn’t love myself
enough to walk away
You know I would have held us down
But you’d have held me back
But you did me a favour
Though it didn’t feel like that
I hate the way it made me feel
When true colours came through
I miss the way you always knew
I was just too good for you

What is it about him?
Why am I so drawn
To everything he is
Despite everything he isn’t
Is this love
Or just a lesson?
Why does his darkness
Call out to me
When I close my eyes
He is all that I see
His eyes twinkle
Like a full moon
On the midnight sea
His lips, not even parted
Speak volumes to me
His heart is so guarded
I wish it were free
I love him
Without condition
Without expectation
Without reciprocity
May he one day
Know the purest love
One he deserves
But knows nothing of
As much as I try
I can’t figure him out
‘Cause he’s fighting battles
I know nothing about
He will never come to me
He will never let me in
But he will break my heart
And I will let him
He will break my heart
And I will never forget him.

We’ve done this so long
We don’t know another way
And we’ve said it all
There’s nothing left to say
But when you look at me
I just can’t look away
And yet we’re still here
But there’s no reason to stay

And I just don’t know
How to let go

It still hurts so much
But we’re so used to the pain
Keep making the same mistakes
Over and over again
Thinking it might change
We both must be insane
So tell me why
I keep loving you in vain

I just don’t know
How to let go

Now you’ve got a girl
But you won’t let me be
You keep trying to prove
That she makes you happy
So tell me why
You still can’t set me free
You can lie to yourself
But you can’t lie to me

You just don’t know
How to let go

I don’t sing my own praises
Or pump my own tires
I think of myself
As average, no higher

No better or worse
Than him, her, or you
We get what we’re handed
And do the best we can do

But I will say one thing
That I know for sure
Girls like me don’t come often
With a love quite this pure

Unconditional and kind
Unwavering and true
Not everyone finds the love
That I have for you

But what is the use
If this love is in vain
If it’s wasted on someone
Who can’t feel the same

One day you’ll wake up
Unable to explain
Why you feel a longing
And a dull, aching pain

For something you had once
Something so rare
You had it, you lost it
‘Cause you didn’t care

Let it slip through your hands
Because you didn’t know
That one day you’d miss it
This love you let go.

I gave him so much power
But he’s only a man
And not even a good one
I don’t understand

How can someone so good
Get treated so bad
He gave me nothing
He took all that I had

He blamed it on me
Turned it all around
He was relentless
And he stood his ground

Manipulation and lies
So hard to see through
When you’re so deep in it
When you think he loves you

But things start to change
When you step away
The truth always finds you
And becomes clear as day

But it’s funny to watch
When he’s losing his grip
How his behavior changes
When he feels me start to slip

When he feels that he’s losing
His hold over me
He makes an appearance
He won’t set me free

Maybe he’ll break the pattern
Maybe one day he’ll grow
But one of these days
I hope he lets me go.

I know to be thankful,
I was given my time;
to those who have loved him—
your heartache is mine.

– Lang Leav

Don’t worry, this one’s not about you.

you’ve played your games
it’s been fun to pretend
and I’ll share the blame
but let’s admit it’s the end

well Christmas is coming
but no time is right
I keep putting it off
I can’t wait one more night

and you are who you are
and you’re not for me
cuz you’ll never know how
to be the one that I need

I’ve tried and I’ve tried
to just make you see
but it’s time to let go
I can’t make you love me

I’m not your puppet
you can’t pull my strings
to manipulate me to say
and do certain things

“you can’t blame his death
for the way that you are”
you screamed at me
from your side of the car

your words were like knives
pierced right through my heart
they’ve cut me so deep
left a long lasting scar

you can only say sorry
so many times
when you take the same actions
and commit the same crimes

your apologies now
just fall on deaf ears
you’ve run out of chances
and I’ve run out of tears.

and he just left one day
with no plan to return
that’s the thing about love…
you live and you learn

and he said he’d come back
one more promise he broke
one more lie that he told
in the riddles he spoke

i wish i could have known
that he wouldn’t stay
that he’d be like the others
bound to walk away

nothing lasts forever
but you learn to move on
so love while you can
before one day it’s gone

and i get a little bit stronger
with each passing day
but i hope you know that i loved you
in every possible way

July 23

it was never about the money
it was all about the time
it was the hope you’d give your heart to me
when you already had mine

but you couldn’t do that for me
not even if you tried
’cause you can’t feel a god damn thing
other than your pride

you don’t make any sense to me
you contradict yourself
it’s not that you don’t feel a thing
it’s just emotions are withheld

but then you’re on and on about
how you feel nothing at all
or maybe it’s just internalized
and you hide behind your walls

maybe you need to figure out
exactly who you are
and how to move on from your past
’cause it’s gone way too far

you just continue breaking hearts
leave destruction in your wake
I wish you’d figured out your life
before I gave you mine to break

how much more damage will you do
before you realize
maybe love’s not meant for you
you should open up your eyes

take a look around yourself
see the pain that you have caused
’cause it will all come back to you
once you see what you have lost

I hope one day you look within
and maybe you will see
no matter how you placed the blame
it was never about me

I remember once upon a time
I thought you deserved the best
that you were what I waited for
but you’re just like the rest

guess I’ll take some of the blame
for making that mistake
for not seeing who you really were
and that your love was fake

You never loved the way I did
You’ll never hurt the way I do
I’ll have to accept apologies
That I’ll never get from you

And you knew just what I deserve
But I guess you couldn’t show
You couldn’t be a better man
Guess that’s why you let me go

You haven’t got a single clue
What’s going on inside
Was it me or was it you?
You can’t even decide

You would place the blame on me
Say I loved you far too much
You rejected what I offered you
My kiss, my love, my touch

But then you’d change your mind again
Say it wasn’t about me
Can you begin to understand
How confusing that might be?

I know that time heals everything
Even a broken heart
So I had to say goodbye to you
For a chance at a fresh start

I think about you every day
I think I always will
And though our story’s over now
I’ll always love you still.